I can’t lie. Last week I hit an all-time low. I was recuperating from surgery and instead of my pain getting better, it was becoming worse and more widespread. I called the nurse on Thursday to make sure this was normal as my healing seemed to be going in the wrong direction. She called me back that evening and said unfortunately, the nerves were waking up and all of the extra pain was very normal. Then she proceeded to say, “Oh, you’re six days from surgery, your pathology reports should be in. Let me see what they said.” Then she started ho-humming around about the computer being slow and not working, then she delayed a little more and then I started to worry. Could it say something bad that she doesn’t want to tell me?
She was already deep into the fact that the report should be there and she could give me the results so at that point she was committed. Eventually, she said, “They took three lymph nodes and the good news is that two of them looked good. There were just a few cancer cells found in the third one. It’s a very small amount it probably doesn’t mean anything. They will probably take care of it with a little extra radiation in that area and maybe some chemo.” At that point she had lost me. In my mind, even just one cancer cell in your bloodstream is one too many. As I tried to stay positive and focus on the baby shower we were having here that weekend for my daughter, I was struggling to stay on top of things. I found myself curled up in bed more often trying to sleep my cares away. I could tell that Jim was beginning to worry about me as it really isn’t my nature to be down for long.
I knew in my heart this was a job for God. Sunday I went to church and found a few friends who I knew were prayer warriors. I asked them if they would please pray with me after the service. By that point I knew that I was allowing my focus on God to wane while my focus on my worries grew. The sermon highlighted the scripture from Proverbs 3:5-6. It reads Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. I memorized that verse over twenty-five years ago so it didn’t strike me as anything new. However, as the service went forward the Holy Spirit showed me over and over how I had taken my eyes off of God and put them on my fears of things that may or may not lie ahead. I was not trusting in God at that point. I was leaning on my own understanding.
After the service my friends swooped in to come pray for me as I had asked. They probably saw me crying through most of the service and knew they were on a God Mission to pray for me! I was a mess! We all prayed but my pain and sadness didn’t disappear right away. It wasn’t some miraculous and immediate change. However, as the night went on I eventually felt the burden of my illness leave my shoulders and the Holy Spirit take His place once again in my life. As I’m writing, it’s been three days since we prayed and my pain is becoming much better too. I’m giving God the praise and glory for this huge change in me physically, mentally and spiritually!
I won’t know what the oncology team has to say about my lymph node until tomorrow. However, for today I am no longer a blubbering mess. I am at peace with whatever lies ahead. No. I’m not going to like it if because of this new finding I am faced with more diagnostic tests, more surgeries and/or extra chemotherapy that I was not expecting. I will probably see more down days if this is the case as I am only human. However, moving forward I will be making sure that I’m focused on God. I’m trusting Him that whatever comes my way is the path that He has ordained for me to travel. I’m no longer leaning on my own understanding. I am putting Him in control once again for that is where I find joy and peace.
I know I’m not the only one facing hard times right now. What are you worrying about that shouldn’t be? Are you leaning on the Lord or on your own understanding? Take time today to tell God of your fears and worries and ask the Holy Spirit to come into your life and give you peace over your circumstances. Get into the Word and seek encouragement from its pages. Perhaps you have a friend that needs prayer like me. Maybe this week you don’t need the blessing but need to be the blessing to someone else.
Many have sent me scriptures of encouragement over the last several weeks. Please enjoy the greatness of our Lord as you read God’s words below.
Psalm 94:18-19 (NIV) When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.
Psalm 71:14 As for me, I will always have hope: I will praise you more and more.
Jeremiah 17:7-8 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit.”
Isn’t God good?! Have a blessed week!